Dear Pink Eye,
Remember me? The innocent girl who could never figure you out? I remember when we first met. I was in a sorority meeting and someone asked me if I was high. I was not high on marijuana, but in fact high on the inevitability of our future affair.
At first, I was so naive. I believed you were just irritation from using the cheapest brand of eyeliner and applying it directly to my eyeballs. I lived in denial for days, but it never got easier. I had never had pink eye before, even as you tore through elementary schools and freshman year dorms, leaving a wide, red, gooey trail. My friends danced around the subject, afraid to tell me that I looked like both Cheech and Chong.
Eventually, it was time to face the music. I woke up with my eyes crusted shut, like a metaphor for the blindness I had had to our situation. When I got the diagnosis that I had pink eye in both of my eyes, my world stopped. For an entire week, I would have to use eyedrops and not wear eye makeup, but you never cared. When I put those eyedrops in, it felt like the tears that were ready to fall down my face. It was over.
In fairness, I neglected you, too. I frequently forgot to put my eyedrops in every four hours– even though I once tried to in the middle of a fraternity party– which allowed me to string you along for several more days than necessary. I’m sorry.
Years from now, I’ll think back on all our good times, like when you made me look totally blazed the first week of classes or when people asked me if I had slept in my contacts. I’m sure when I look back, I will know that a passive-aggressive open letter was the best way to deal with our situation. Because I need you (and all our mutual family and friends and everyone else on the internet) to know how I feel and how you changed my life. And I need the ad revenue.
For anyone who went to a group workout class at the rec and got pink eye, I am sorry. I refused to deal with my problems and now you have to deal with them. I hope you can find some solace and inspiration in the fact that I didn’t let pink eye stop me from getting my spring break bod.
With love,
Megan
anything for a joke 