8 Things I Learned in The South

I was born in Topeka, Kansas and lived there until my freshman year of college. When I moved to Alabama, I did not think it would be that different. Both Kansas and Alabama were solid red states with an agrarian past, and though those were the only traits they had in common, it seemed like enough. I was wrong. Without further undulation, Eight Things I Learned in The South.

1. Where you’re from matters. It’s not enough to be from Birmingham; people want to know if you’re from Homewood or Vestavia Hills. Other popular questions include what high school you went to and if you have ever lived anywhere else. I once had a conversation with someone who argued that Kansas was “kind of like the South” even when I argued vehemently that it wasn’t (I think he was trying to do me a favor). In the South, meeting someone new inherently involves an unabridged geographic autobiography.
2. Food. The South has a monopoly on fried chicken. In fact, the easiest way to tell if you’re in the South is if the McDonald’s still carries the Southern Style Chicken Biscuit for breakfast. On another note, southerners have terrible Mexican food and can’t or won’t admit it.
3. Names. If you’re moving to the South, you need to step up your name game. The towns have great names: Hoxie, Humansville, Tupelo; the streets have great names: Tallapoosa, Arkadelphia; and the people have great names: Caroline, Mary Collier, anything ending in a III or IV. Southern names have spice.
4. Getting ready. I was not prepared for the amount of effort Southern women put into their appearance. I have never heard one say “Am I wearing too much makeup?” or “Does this outfit look like a costume?” even though sometimes the answer is yes. The concept of a natural look is not very popular here.
5. Dating. Dating in the South is magical. A Southern man carries no qualms about paying for dinner. I am actually unsure if my arms are physically capable of opening a door for myself or if they have atrophied beyond repair from disuse. I once offended a boyfriend by telling him I could walk myself home. It is truly a whole new world.
6. The climate. “Brrr,” says a Southerner wearing a long sleeve t-shirt when it’s 40 degrees outside. Southern people seem unfamiliar with the concept of anything heavier than a light jacket. I want to tell them that they don’t have to live this way; they can put on a coat.
7. Attractions. I can visit Gulf Shores, New Orleans, Nashville, the Great Smokey Mountains, Atlanta, Birmingham, and just about every SEC college town within five hours of Tuscaloosa. Within five hours of Topeka, I can go to such marvelous destination as Kansas City, St. Louis, Omaha, and Oklahoma City. The last two only half count because they’re terrible.
8. We have different definitions of what a gas station is. In Kansas, a gas station is a place for gas, snacks, and grabbing a gallon of milk when you forgot it at the grocery store. In Alabama, you can buy beer at the gas station but you can’t buy a zero-calorie beverage. Alabama gas stations are what stereotypes are based upon.

I wrote this for my Southern Studies class but it is 100% true. I only feel the need to tell y’all this because it violates my personal standard against writing lists but I actually thought it was pretty fun so I’m a hypocrite. Maybe there will be more lists in our future. Maybe I have a new lease on life.

Y’all.

Megan